Ash Wednesday

As a Potential Catholic Convert (yes, I'm putting "Potential" back in the title), here I am on Ash Wednesday, the start of Lent.

I wanted to come to this day with a plan. I'd adopt this practice, we'd do this devotional activity as a family. I'd have a plan, a grip, a clue. But guess what? I don't!

I think I would have, could have, planned it out last night. And instead, I was online at Catholic.com, looking at issues of Catholic morality. The more I read, the more troubled I became. The Church's position on IVF? Troubling. VERY troubling. When God has given scientists the knowledge and the ability to create life for parents who desperately want a child, what is wrong with utilizing this gift? Position on Birth Control? What's wrong with BC, when used in the context of a healthy marital relationship (at least in developed countries - I believe there is a valid argument for making it available to women in LDCs where rape is far too commonplace)?

And what about Mortal Sin? If you die with unconfessed mortal sin on your conscience, do you go to hell? That's the ballgame? What is mortal sin, anyway? My understanding is that it is sin committed deliberately and with full knowledge of its wrongfulness. There's not a list. It's different for everyone, and what constitutes mortal sin for one might be venial for another. And what's venial, anyway? Are there degrees of severity within the distinctions of mortal and venial sins?

Back to Ash Wednesday. We're not fasting today. Obviously, the kids and I cannot. But I found myself analyzing my breakfast. I could have had a plain egg, unsweetened tea, plain toast. I suppose that would have been an acceptable pregnant lady's definition of a fast. A sacrifice, some going without that would have caused me to be more mindful of the season, more mindful of Christ's fast and of His sacrifice.

I confess, however, that I sweetened my tea, cooked my egg and vegetables in butter and topped them with cheese, and, yes, put Aunt Debbie's amazing grape jelly on my English muffin. I failed to fast, even on my own modified terms.

I find myself resentful of being made to feel guilty about this, of having these expectations placed on me. And that resentment troubles me - I knew enough of what was coming in this season to know that a sacrifice of some sort would be expected.

I feel that I need to get to the source of these expectations, and on a larger scale, these tenets. Do they come from the Lord? Do they come from the Catholic Church? Or are they self-imposed? My guess is that the over-analysis of my breakfast is my doing. The Ash Wednesday fast is imposed by the Church. But it doesn't originate there. The Church does not rely on itself as the source of these requirements. It turns to God's Word and to Tradition that goes back to Jesus and those He chose to lead
His church.

There are "Cafeteria Catholics," who pick-and-choose the tenets of the church that they are willing to accept. As a Potential Convert, I'm very hesitant to be selective in that manner. When I'm asked at my confirmation if I accept the teachings of the Church, I want my "yes" to mean "yes." Why go through all of this - the classes, the rites - if I'm not willing (with God's help) to live my whole life in accordance with these teachings? And, honestly, how does the Church - more importantly, how does GOD - view selective Catholics? Surely both expect compliance. God's holiness requires a dramatic response of YES to His commandments.

The fundamental questions become obvious to me as I write this: Do I believe that the teachings and tenets of the Catholic Church are those of Father God? Do I believe this with enough certainty that I will set aside my personal disagreements with the Church and follow all tenets as God-breathed and God-directed? Right now, the best I can give is a qualified yes. Most of them.

And what do I do with THAT? Pull out of the process entirely, go back to the Protestant Church? Put the brakes on the process and wait another year to receive the Eucharist? I am already bothered that I've had to wait this long. I accept transubstantiation, even if I don't entirely understand how it works - how many do?! It is painful to be disallowed participation in this sacrament, the centerpiece of the Mass and of Catholicism on the whole.

I know I'm not the only person, Protestant convert or cradle Catholic, who has struggled with the gap between their own understanding and the teachings of the Church. But the timing of my questions causes me to consider them with some urgency. Decisions need to be made in just a few weeks. Decisions that affect not only me, but my family as well.

This is my Lent, my wilderness. My time to ask the questions, gather the information, build understanding, and try to make peace within the gap of acceptance and struggle.

The Things I'm Thankful For Today

It's well-documented that listing things for which one is thankful makes one feel better about one's lot in life. Since I am in a funk today (maybe I'll write about it later), I decided to go public with my thankful list this morning:

1. A good night's sleep (not to be taken for granted in the 3rd trimester...)
2. A comfortable bed (yes, I know that goes in hand with #1)
3. A warm shower
4. A healthy pregnancy
5. DS1's willingness to help when I ask him to
6. DD's sweet smile, laugh, and hugs (and brushing her hair, which makes her mad but I still like to do it anyway)
7. DS2's smile and easygoing personality
8. DH's invaluable help with DSs and DD
9. God's provision beyond my needs
10. Music

There you go. Do I feel better? Hmmm.... Not sure this will get me through the day...may have to come back with another list later.